Anorexic

I had anorexia.

Not because it was a sickness that victimized me, or because I was weak… I chose it because I was strong. I knew that I am the ruler of my own life and I have full control, including over my own body. My body was to be the slave, my brain the master.

At that time I was 18 years old and weighed about 65kg. I wasn’t satisfied when I saw photos of myself, randomly taken. My chubby cheeks annoyed me and I didn’t want arms that could be considered ‘squeezable’. I wasn’t blind, I knew very well I was not fat at all and my weight fell in the ‘healthy category’... but it wasn’t perfect. And if I could reach perfection with my intellect, so could I with my body.

So I woke up one morning and decided to stop eating.

Not entirely, I gave myself a strict limit of 500 kcal a day, but surpassing that would be punished… severely. It was a very conscious decision, not taken in a delirium of despair and teenage foolishness, but in a mind frame of pure rationalism. I would show myself what I was capable of, test the strength of my mind and show the true colours of my personality, allowing me to shape my body like a sculpture. I didn’t give a flying fuck about what anyone else thought about me. I had a mirror, since I was about 14 years old I fulfilled most beauty ideals society uselessly forces upon us, so it wasn’t a self-image or insecurity issue, opposed to the label everyone gives so easily to a stranger they don’t know at all. I didn’t care about attention from guys, I got so much I was glad if I could be left alone for once. And honestly, I’ve always been a rebel, I didn’t care about any external opinion, being different from the masses or being perceived ‘odd’ I considered as a compliment and often even a goal in itself. It was an endurance test for ME.

And man, am I a tough master. Within a week I knew every calorie- and fat level of every single product my supermarket sold. I printed long overviews with product information and hung them all over my room, studying it with the dedication of an Asian student in exam period. I considered breakfast the most important meal as I needed some energy to start the day with, so I would allow myself a cup of oatmeal… every single day. Lots of fibres, lots of iron. During the day I only ate raw vegetables and fruits. Especially celery was a favourite, as you burn more calories than you consume. Dinner was usually a raw salad, without dressing and sauce of course. Carbs didn’t exist in my world, neither did fats or sugars. I drank only water… and litres of coffee, as I had basically no other source of energy in my diet.

With a ruler I drew charts on a paper (organized in a folder), in which I wrote down exactly what I ate every part of the day, with a summation of all calories consumed in the end. If I had eaten something with too many calories (let’s say, I was reckless enough to eat a cracker) I underlined it with a red marker. I failed. I was a disappointment to myself. An extra hour in the gym!

Because yes, that too of course. I had an unlimited gym membership via my university and I think no one used it up to the max like I did. Everyone knew me in that gym, I was there three hours a day, no exceptions.

I would burn at least five times more calories than I ate, which of course doesn’t fly, but I didn’t care.

I did fitness, tae bo, body pump, athletics and duration training. The Dutch government provides students with free public transportation passes, but of course that was no use for me: What a waste of an opportunity to work out! I biked at least two hours a day on top of that, went for a 1/1,5-hour-jog about four times a week, did over a thousand squats and push-ups in my room every single day and wherever there were stairs I ran up and down at least three times before I continued my journey. All of this was reinforced by some modelling work I picked up along the way, which was offered to me in growing quantity. Unlike many other girls, I had no desire to become the next Claudia Schiffer, but the constant requirement to stay tightly in shape perfectly served my goal. And the extra money was nice.

And that wasn’t all. I made myself vomit too. So you could say I took a dose of bulimia on top of my anorexia, as an extra bonus. It was a great solution for these social events in which you are ‘supposed to eat’, although I would already take the absolute minimum… but the rest: out! Party with alcohol? Ok, being drunk is fun, but can’t use the calories, so out-out-out! Usually it are the girls that emotion-eat that do that vomit-stuff, but for some reason I found it necessary for my situation too. I think I had to unclog my sink every two weeks, because I was living in a student house and the shared toilets weren’t specifically sound-proof.

Not that they didn’t know what was going on. I’m pretty aware, it’s fairly difficult to speak behind my back without me knowing it. And I didn’t make a secret of it either, I openly scratched my name off the cooking-schedule we had created to share meals. My fridge was always empty, except of anything raw and green (and I wasn’t even a vegan back then, it’s just the food you need to eat to get skinny). I always ate alone, I wasn’t interested in other people’s judgmental looks, and honestly, the fact that they were stuffing themselves disgusted me. Especially watching fat people eat: What a lack of self-containment, weak personalities!, went through my mind.

If they truly cared about me, I don’t see what gossip is going to solve.

Of course there were people worrying about me. My closest friends, my family… Surprise-visits to doctors were planned for me, psychologists were suggested.

And that’s exactly what’s inherently inadequate in the human judgment system: group-thinking, ticking off boxes and categorizing, assuming that everyone in one box is the same.

I wasn’t an insecure girl, in fact, I was more confident than ever as I pulled off my mission and I looked amazing (honestly, I still think I did, I was slim but didn’t lose my female shapes and really had a magazine-approved ‘beach body’). I wasn’t that kind of girl visiting pro-ana websites or going on online forums to trace down some starve-buddies. I didn’t live my life secluded, I needed an agenda just to plan in my social life and party duties; I went out about four nights a week and managed to study eight hours a day as well, plus all the endless work-outs. I didn’t have an incorrect self-image or a mental problem and in fact, I was fully aware of the risks I was taking as I was and still am an educated girl. My behaviour back then might not seem smart, but that’s something else as being dumb. Do you smoke? Ever experimented with drugs or drank more alcohol than is good for you? Well, there you go. I didn’t need therapy, I was in control.

No one believed me.

But one day I weighed myself and 44kg was a fact. I actually weighed myself only once every two weeks (not ten times a day as those 'specialists' conveniently conclude for all of 'us') and always had taken 48kg as an absolute minimum. I had hung around at 49kg for about a year, but now I experienced a sudden drop. I had gone from a size 38/40 to 32... I started to fit only the clothes of 10-12 year olds and needed to go shopping at the children’s department. This was too much, even for me. I proved my point to myself, mission accomplished, I was done.

From one day to the other I started eating again. Like those 2,5 years never happened.

Who needs expensive therapy for that? You just grab food and stick it into your mouth, doesn’t seem so damn difficult to me! Anorexia was a means to serve a personal goal. It sounds crazy, yes, but then again, I am.

Right now I’m 30 years old and usually jumping around between 55-65kg. If I eat unhealthy and don’t exercise (enough) I gain weight, if I switch back to a healthy diet and work out again I lose it. Easy logics. Action - reaction. I never do diets, as severely forbidding yourself a treat will only fire up the desire… but I still know these calorie tables by heart and use it to support a healthy lifestyle. After my anorexic period I entirely lost my appetite for sugar and deep-fry, which is a win-win for health. I also ditched all meat, fish and dairy for ethical reasons, but I’ll never compromise on taste. Besides travelling, one of my biggest passions is cooking and subsequently stuffing my face, good food is a true pleasure of life. But hey, ever saw a fat vegan?

Photo credits: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5

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