10 Things You CAN'T Do Morocco | Budget Bucket List

10 Things You Can't Do in the Non-Touristy Part of Morocco

Time travel is in fact possible. I’m pretty convinced I didn’t board a plane to Eastern Morocco… I must have accidentally climbed into a space rocket to woosh back a century or five, right towards the dated days of life crawling around in dusty medinas where blaring merchants unload their donkeys to flaunt their wares of staring goat heads and sand-coloured pottery to women hiding under thick, dark head scarves.

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Where tourist magnets such as Marrakech and Essaouira, and shiny modern metropolises like Rabat and Casablanca somehow managed to move forward while preserving their own authentic identity, the hidden north-east of Moroccan territory proofed to be a rigid cocoon, repelling all external influences and developments… and proudly doing so. Indeed, the off-the-grid east successfully managed to stay out of the travelbooks, if only for the simple fact that there’s bugger all to do there. I roamed the untouched corners of the internet for a simple activity, something, anything to make the days go by... to conclude there’s nothing going on but life itself. However, for what it’s worth, the month of my life that vaporized here into the dry desert skies provided me with a thorough list of things you absolutely cannot do here:

10 Things You Can’t Do in the Non-Touristy Part of Morocco:

1) Share a room with the opposite gender / premarital sex (if at least one holds a Moroccan passport)

I know many women who mainly visit Morocco to see their boyfriend. But as it turns out, you don’t have boyfriends in the traditional part of Morocco, only husbands and fiancées. According to my female travel friend I came to visit here, the first step in Morocco is in that case straight towards the souk to trace down the shiny silver alley for some metal engagement rings to support that act. Even if you don’t believe in marriage, that doesn’t mean you should break that fraudulent fairytale for family, friends and nosy neighbours. If only for the fact that you could both be jailed.

You see, religion isn’t just a believe system in Morocco. It’s the law.

And that law is deformed in such a way that ‘the act of love’ can only be practiced after marriage (which in turn in smaller communities can be arranged without any love involved at all), meaning that sharing a room with the other sex is a criminal offense when a marriage certificate can’t be presented.* If you think to outsmart the system by showing up with a partner of the same sex, think twice… Allah is generous, but apparently not generous enough to grant homosexuals their mere existence. Morocco (at least, the north-eastern stretch) goes as far as releasing actual spies into the public spaces to trace down any possible offenders of the anti-hook-up-order, so don’t try to test it. Don’t hold hands on the street, don’t even think about making out and if you sneakily manage to do a naughty, moan in your pillow.

* This only affects couples of which one or both hold a Moroccan passport, whether they’re Muslim or not (as for the law, you are if you’re Moroccan). The law doesn’t apply to non-Moroccan or non-Muslim couples (as you’re going to hell anyway apparently). However, it’s illegal to import pornographic materials into the country for everyone.

2) Raise your glass

So there you are, all blue-balled and sexually frustrated. Fill up that glass! Hmmm… with mint tea maybe, as sure as hell there ain’t no booze to brighten the day in Eastern Morocco (this is different in Marrakech, Casablanca or other tourist magnets). “Eat, drink and be merry” made it only as far as the bible I assume, as in traditional Islamic society your little nightcap equals the devil himself. Willing to face the burning fires of the abyss and miss my chance on 72 virgins (you might not be able to get lucky before marriage, but after-death banging truly is a thing here - the expression “fuck me dead” gets a whole different meaning here!) I roamed all supermarkets to trace down a bottle of red happiness, only to found sober disappointment.*

Obviously, what counts for alcohol hits you even harder when it comes to drugs. The Criminal Code of Morocco established the punishment for drug use with up to 30 years of imprisonment and a €60,000 fine. This includes smoking something as innocent as cannabis.

* The official law only forbids the selling of alcohol to Moroccan Muslims, but as they make up about 98% of the population this explains the limited availability. Enthusiasts can generally fill their (highly taxed) glass in hotel bars or touristy restaurants.

3) Lose weight

Luckily, the absence of two guilty pleasures makes place for a third one in all its glory: Eating! All. Day. Long. If there’s one thing Moroccans are good at, it’s food. And generous as they truly are, they’re ready to share. I clearly remember the day I showed up for one of the many delicious family lunches I was invited for, proud to have politely finished all the 1001 little plates of flavour explosions the table was filled with, up until the point I was unable to move… only to find out I had merely finished the appetizer, the actual dinner consisting of an entire chicken family and (for me) 5 kilograms of vegan tajine (enough to feed an entire African village) was about to be served. And then came dessert… Finished? Time for tea with cookies and snacks, the perfect bridge to dinner!

Besides a wide variety in (halal) meat- and fish dishes, such as mechoui (roasted lamb) and bastilla (pigeon pastry), the extremely low vegetable- and fruit prices and high veganize-levels of plates like couscous and harira make Morocco a vegan paradise. Oh, and did I mention they bake the best breads in the world, definitely beating France and Germany?

4) Go out hiking (or expect the police to guard your safety)

All that feasting, that simply asks for some bodily exercise! And look around you, so many mountains to serve just that need! Well, don’t bite your arm off, as besides a potential haven for athletic hikers, the north-eastern forests serve as a nestled shelter for the evil-minded. I won’t bore you with any parental warnings, completely blown out of proportion, but I will share the simple fact that robbers generally do operate in and around the woodlands and that these aren’t exactly people that necessarily value a human life as much as you and I might do. Obviously, the news was recently overflowing with the sad double murder of two raped and decapitated Scandinavian girls… which is a very extreme example of a reality made possible by only a small, rotten percentage of the population.

Will this happen to you? Probably not. But if anything it does communicate the level of cautiousness you have to exercise in remote areas where help is far away. Especially when you’re alone or in a small group... and especially if you're a woman.

That said, while in Morocco I picked up the story of a (local) man being robbed, after which he yelled out to a nearby policeman for help. Mister Officer indeed came over, but not to help out a citizen in need… oh no, he wanted to know exactly his share of the stolen booty. That’s how the victim found himself in the situation of actually bargaining with both his attacker and the cop about who could offer a larger share of the profit. Morocco for you, ladies and gentleman.

5) Be a loner

Moving in big groups isn’t just a matter of safety in Morocco. An amiable old lady summed it up quite correctly when she smiled from under her headscarf and said: “Nous vivons pour les autres” – We live for others. I was sitting in her luxurious house, in one of her five wildly decorated salons purely devoted to welcoming (and impressing) guests. In fact, just like the majority of the families living her, they actually lived in the basement just to leave the other three stories immaculately untouched for possible visitors. Surreal, but accurate.

This practice offers, besides a rather unpractical high level of hospitality, also an opportunity to hide from a tight community that’s watching each other like hawks. Look around you, you won’t find any open windows or curtains in small places like this… because if you do so, get ready to be watched. And I mean pushing-the-nose-against-the-window-of-your-house-watched, people staring right into your privacy (that somehow doesn’t count as stalking here). And if they can’t see it quite right, they don’t shy away from knocking on your door, demanding to enter the house of a total stranger to simply satisfy their curiosity.

6) Show too much of yourself

However, it’s absolutely necessary to stay hidden, especially when moving out in the open. And especially if you’re a woman. Figuratively, as any juicy detail of your private life can and will be used against you, but also literally, as showing some skin isn’t going to do you any favours here. Quite truthfully, I’m a convinced advocate of freedom of expression. In the European headscarf-debate, I’m strongly siding with the Muslim immigrants. Everyone should be able to dress as he/she pleases and express their culture. Sadly, this doesn’t always work the same way around. As a man you can get away with pretty much anything, as long as you cover your knees and shoulders, but women draw the shortest straw. Personally, even though I refused to wear a head scarf (for the same reasons some women refuse to take it off) I dressed quite conservatively, covering up entirely despite the scorching sun… but I was unable to walk the streets alone. That one time I stubbornly did I was followed, hissed at and verbally harassed with pretty indecent sexual offers until I desperately called a male friend to walk beside me again. Also a kind offer to attend a bathing house (all in the nuddy) I sadly had to turn down, as I soon learned some specific body decoration I hide under my clothing would cause an instant outrage, branding me with titles my mother won’t be proud of. So far for mutual respect and understanding.

7) Take money out of the country

No drinks, drugs or saunas. People that keep making you food. Every souvenir you point at is promptly gifted by a local (yes, many Moroccans are incredibly generous)… You probably find yourself not even spending half of what you expected! So make sure you don’t cash out too much… You can bring and cash out as much money as you want, but be aware that it’s officially prohibited to leave the country with more than 1000 dirhams, €100. In fact, Moroccan passport-holders are unable to even send money out via the bank or Western Union (or use their bank pass outside of the country)*, and even for foreigners this is extremely complicated. (although recently national money regulations are finally loosening up for nationals)

Even though it’s unlikely you will be checked at the border, you can do as the locals do: Hide surplus money in your underwear… ‘filthy’ rich it is!

8) Get paperwork done quickly and efficiently

Don’t lose your passport. I repeat, DO NOT lose your freakin’ passport! Not here! It blows anywhere in the world (believe me, I’ve been there, nearly twice), but you don’t want to go through the necessity of getting legal stuff done here. It’s not worth getting to know the culture that well. I know plenty of people who have been lost in the labyrinth of bureaucracy for several months in order to get one piece of paper or one single stamp… having received (and paid for) the same passport four fucking times, as the name was misspelled or entirely absent. I’m talking local people that speak Arabic and know the ropes.

You are Frodo and your passport is the ring. And government workers are the Dementors, sucking you lifeless. Oh wait, different fairytale.

9) Win an argument

Bargaining isn’t just a simple practice of economics in Morocco. It’s a way of life. A virtue. One thing I noticed during the time I spent in a closed traditional community is that there’s no such thing as a win-win situation in Morocco. It always has to be a win-lose, making the victory of the conqueror in the Batte of Wills taste even sweeter when looking down on the underdog crawling out of the clash of two egos. Energy must be drained. Fists must be slammed on the table. Giving in or finding a mutual agreement seems to be a shameful sign of weakness. That you can force someone you love and claim to care about into doing something or agreeing to something he/she doesn’t want seems to be irrelevant, because you won, you fought harder for the cause, you raised your voice louder.

If you’re ready to dive face down into the discussion to show what you’re worth, be very cautious to not offend anyone. Because an offended Moroccan can be lethal to your entire social life or career.

Example: I got to know a family en-route that owned a farm, neatly divided into sections for each family member to use. One section required to drive to the back of the farm, costing maybe an extra minute of time. The brother owning that piece of land wasn’t planning to do so, however, and continued to drive right over the crops of his sisters. When they decided to call him out for this behaviour, he completely lost the plot and literally paid someone to destroy the rest of their unaffected harvest as well. The next day they were sharing a meal together, acting out good appearances.

Keep a friend close, an enemy even closer. Especially in Morocco.

10) Cross the border to Algeria

Nothing has a stronger attraction on a traveller than the sight of a border with yet-to-discover lands. Especially in the east, the entire 65km-road up to the northern beaches of Saïdia irresistibly seduces you with a sneak-peek right into the rolling mountains of Algeria. Don’t get too excited though, as that’s all you’re gonna get. After some fingerpointing with regards to involvement in both Algerian and Moroccan terrorist attacks the borders are officially closed since 1994, costing an average $2 billion lately to the Moroccan economy. And costing us another adventure.

Like the act of actual time travel wasn’t adventurous enough.

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